It’s Your Business

• Author: Terry Greenhut, Business Editor
• Subject Matter: Management
• Issue: Avoiding confrontation

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Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

• A customer tells you how to fix his car and how much he is willing to pay, so you lay down the law, telling him that it’s your shop and this is how it’s going to be.
• A friend insults your political beliefs so you immediately go on the attack to counteract it.
• An employee arrives late and unprepared for work so you blow your top and berate him in front of other employees and/or customers.
• Your beloved Aunt Sarah chooses to belittle your career choices (because she thought you should have been a doctor instead of a mechanic) over Thanksgiving dinner, so you carve her up like the turkey, angrily countering her criticisms and throwing in a few insults for good measure.

At first glance, none of this seems too unreasonable. It happens all the time. After all, nobody likes to back down, give in, knuckle under or swallow an insult. And showing weakness isn’t likely to get you anything but disrespect and marginalization – right?

Wrong. Often, holding your tongue while figuring out the right responses to get you what you want is the best way. You can turn a demanding or difficult customer around, gain the respect of friends and employees, and get Aunt Sarah to understand that you’re doing what’s right for you and your family. Some might consider it a form of weakness not to jump right in to protect your honor or show a customer how far off base he is, but it can be a useful tool in getting people to realize just how wrong they might be or what’s best for them in their situation.

Feigning weakness can be a very effective communication tool. In many scenarios, allowing the other party to maintain what appears to be the upper hand can help you successfully navigate volatile situations, protect important relationships and get you what you want in a sales situation.

So why do we believe it’s OK, even smart, to maintain a forceful presence? Some of it might go back to our caveman past, but it can also be a consequence of the digital-communication revolution. We’ve gotten in the habit of impulsive, expedient and self-expressive communication. We can chat, tweet, text and email to our hearts’ content. And because it’s all so quick and easy, we’ve come to believe that it’s our right, as citizens of the digital age, to say what we want, when we want.

One consequence of this mistaken belief is that we often fight back too quickly and too forcefully whenever we’re annoyed or feel we’re being backed into a corner or disrespected; but impulsive and unfiltered communication, whether it happens face-to-face or digitally, often costs us dearly. Because we aren’t willing to be seen as weak in any manner, conflicts escalate and relationships deteriorate. We would often do much better to hold our tongues, control our emotions and focus on long-term goals instead of on the short-term gratification of making our point.

In the martial arts we are taught to often allow the opponent’s strength to work against him. Sometimes it’s a matter of just getting out of the way and letting him run head on into a brick wall. I’ve especially found that to be true with customers who really don’t have a clue what’s going on but insist on your doing things their way. Agreeing, going along with them until the moment they see – or you can quietly and tactfully show them – the error of their ways can get you the sale at the price you want without the confrontation that can destroy the deal.

For example: Never tell a customer she is wrong about anything. All that will do is make her angry and dig her heels in deeper. Instead say, “You could very well be right about that, but let me ask you this,” asking a question that takes the conversation off in a totally different direction. That way you made her right but still got your point across.

Here are some tips that can prove helpful:

Respond with a bit of weakness instead of an over-abundance of strength. We all too often use more force than we need to accomplish our objectives. We yell when a measured response would work better, send a blistering email when a more-restrained reply would suffice, or issue an ultimatum when a firm but gentle statement of convictions would do. Conflicts that start or escalate with excessive force frequently cause a destructive cycle – attack, retaliation, escalated attack and escalated retaliation etc. No matter how justified you may feel, the bottom line is that using excessive force isn’t usually a winning strategy.

I know we all have triggers that make us see red, but we have to learn to control our response to give us the upper hand. My trigger was always a customer saying something like, “All of you mechanics are crooks.” Although I know that there are always a few bad apples I also know that the vast majority of our fellow technicians and business owners would sooner cheat themselves than ever cheat a customer. So I learned over time to respond by either saying nothing and letting the ridiculous comment pass or by asking, “If that’s the way you feel, why are you here?” That would usually put an end to it, but if they said, “Well, I have to bring it somewhere,” then I would say, “You could learn to be a mechanic over about a 20-year stretch like we did and do the work yourself or trust that the shop you chose is going to treat you fairly.”

You should try to apply the least amount of force and intensity necessary to accomplish your objective. You may think it’s like bringing a knife to a gun fight, but when emotions are running high a weak response can often stabilize a harsh conversation and prevent damage to the underlying relationship. Try to stay serious and focused, and keep the conversation as brief as possible. Keep your words calm, controlled and even boring. Don’t add any new emotional material.

Back down from challenges. In our achievement-oriented society, backing down from a verbal challenge can be the equivalent of not accepting a triple-dog dare on the playground. But that’s exactly what smart communicators and salespeople do. They know that easy does it. They avoid unnecessary chatter that might bring up unwanted issues. Smart communicators are willing to let go, understanding that making the sale is much more important than making a point.

Dividing challenges and problems into three categories is a good idea: Now, Delay, and Avoid. Problems in the “Now” category require an immediate, solution-based conversation. Don’t automatically assign too many issues to this category. They don’t all need to be handled immediately and with a sometimes un-thought-out response.

“Delay” is your default category. Many issues don’t require immediate response or active intervention, and others may disappear completely or resolve themselves without your participation. Some are highly emotional, incredibly complicated and volatile, such as when a customer feels cheated or lied to. Always avoid confrontational situations by taking the meeker role. Let the other party feel as if they’ve won. Remember that they already feel as though they’ve lost something, so arguing them into submission makes them feel totally devastated. Give them a bit of a win. It will pay off in the long run.

Let difficult people feel like they’ve won. Jane talks too much. Jim is incredibly stubborn. Bill loves to argue. Whether they’re controlling, critical or cranky, the behaviors that make someone a difficult person tend to spark frequent confrontations. We have to learn that we are not likely to influence these types of people by forcing our will upon them. For example, we wrestle with Jane to get a word in edgewise. We struggle to change Jim’s mind. We fire a barrage of points and counterpoints into Bill’s arguments. Maybe it’s time to quit trying. These are no-win situations. You’ll never change these types of people.

At the end of a conversation, the difficult person remains the same, but often you are in a weaker position and feel like crap. A good friend once taught me to rate relationships with people on the basis of how you feel right after you’ve had a conversation with them. For example, when you hang up after a phone conversation, do you feel better or worse than before the call? If you feel worse you should avoid talking with that person except when absolutely necessary. You don’t need people who bring you down and ruin your good mood. Only a commitment to let go of your desire to win by imposing your will on the other person can realistically and consistently improve your communication with difficult people. When you find yourself with no choice but to interact with a difficult person, have modest expectations, avoid tangents and stay focused on your end goal. It’s really all you can do.

Swallow your pride and say you’re sorry. Apologizing to another person isn’t easy, even when you know you’re in the wrong. It’s even tougher when you think that the other person is being unreasonable. And, of course, it doesn’t help that certain people view apologies as a sign of weakness. However, in so many situations, a well-placed “I’m sorry” can keep an incident from escalating and can prevent lasting harm. Usually, salvaging a relationship and staying on track to accomplish your goals is worth a momentary blow to your pride. Apologizing might seem weak, but in fact it’s a powerful communication maneuver. Most people have a very hard time refusing a sincere and timely apology. “I’m sorry” cures a wide variety of interpersonal ills.

Ignore insults. When somebody offends you, your inner Neanderthal rushes to the front of your brain, urging you to club your foe over the head and show the other person that you won’t allow yourself to be treated that way. But guess what: Your inner Neanderthal isn’t known for restraint, civility or strategic thinking. Sure, it might feel good to act on your emotions and indulge your impulses, but responding aggressively to insults can also result in a lot of long-term damage.

Think about it: A hotheaded response to your customer’s criticism could cost you a sale or an entire account. Allowing anyone to draw you into a harsh battle can do serious damage to your relationship. No, I’m not suggesting that feelings don’t matter. And I’m not suggesting that you should let anyone insult you consistently. But people say things they quickly come to regret all the time. Don’t let your inner Neanderthal lunge for the club; give the other person a chance to self-correct instead.

Even if you’re offended, try not to let the interaction escalate. Not allowing your feelings to dictate your words will affect your quality of life profoundly: You will get what you want more often. By focusing on what you want to accomplish instead of what you want to say, your goal and the underlying relationship can survive for another conversation.

Stop constantly defending your position. You don’t need to. People who attack you or your position are usually very insecure with their own. That being the case they tend to self-destruct without any help from you. Of course, you should speak up when you believe your own or someone else’s well-being is being threatened; but even though others might label you a wimp for keeping your mouth shut a good deal of the time, you don’t have to rise to every challenge. Often there is far more strength in remaining silent than blurting something out that might put you or your goal in a weakened position. Sometimes you have to ask yourself which is more important to you, throwing your two cents in or maintaining a decent relationship. Play your cards closer to the vest. Failure to exercise caution around sensitive topics can lead to a relational explosion.

It’s like Kenny Rogers sang in “The Gambler”: “You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.” The fact is, there are times when refusing to back down only ends up hurting you, while giving ground and showing a little weakness can help you to later end up in a strong position. So don’t let go of valor entirely, but make sure discretion is the better part of it.

In these challenging times Terry wants everyone to have a copy of his 450-page book, “How to Market and Sell Automotive and Transmission Service and Repair.” For only $98.32 you will receive two copies of the industry textbook that will teach you all the techniques necessary to make profitable sales and retain your customers for future business. Keep one and give the other to an employee, a competitor or perhaps that account you’ve been trying to land or thank for their business. As a bonus (free of charge) you will also receive Terry’s “$ales Help Screens” computer software to use as a training aid or when you need instant answers to your customer’s toughest price objections (may not be compatible with the new 64-bit computers running Windows 7). Ordering will also make you eligible to buy additional copies of the book at only $49.16 each. Please call 914-882-3003 or visit www.TerryGreenhut.com to order any of Terry’s training materials or take your 20-question self- and business-evaluation test. Although no one can see the results but you, it’s a real eye opener.